Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of terrorising the elderly residents of a tranquil Gloucestershire village has been perpetrated by asylum seekers.

The Mail can reveal that asylum seekers are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Some bloke in the pub said of the asylum seekers, "I think hanging is too good for them; Its time to consider the reintroduction of crucifiction, especially for criminals.".