Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of terrorising the elderly residents of a tranquil Gloucestershire village has been perpetrated by hoodies.

The Mail can reveal that hoodies are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Anne Widdecombe said of the hoodies, "yet again these oafs have destroyed my evening.".