The Mail has learned that hoody-wearing layabouts are responsible for causing cancer.

Has the world gone mad? Hoody-wearing layabouts are causing cancer with impunity. Hanging is surely too good for these no good scum. Why doesn’t the Government use all the money it has stolen from the hardworking families of Britain in stealth taxes to make amends for the situation. Probably because they are too busy lining their pockets!

The Mail spoke to Conservative head office, who said "Hoorah for the blackshirts!"