Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of plotting the overthrow both of the British state and our way of life has been perpetrated by Guardian-reading do-gooders.

The Mail can reveal that Guardian-reading do-gooders are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The deputy commisioner of the Metropolitan Police said of the Guardian-reading do-gooders, "I think hanging is too good for them; Its time to consider the reintroduction of crucifiction, especially for criminals.".