Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of urinating on the Union Jack has been perpetrated by Islamist youths.

The Mail can reveal that Islamist youths are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Some bloke in the pub said of the Islamist youths, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".