Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of drilling for oil in one family's back garden has been perpetrated by hoodies.

The Mail can reveal that hoodies are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Norman Tebbit said of the hoodies, "the lady’s not for turning".