Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals has been perpetrated by Al Qu’aeda bosses.

The Mail can reveal that Al Qu’aeda bosses are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Norris McWhirter, speaking posthumously said of the Al Qu’aeda bosses, "the lady’s not for turning".