Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of drilling for oil in one family's back garden has been perpetrated by women.

The Mail can reveal that women are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The Queen said of the women, "I blame all of this on stealth taxes and permissive education in the 1960s.".