Now boffins have discovered that Guardian-reading do-gooders can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since The Queen told me about it, I have been trying to cure being involved in the death of Princess Diana (God rest her precious soul) with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out being involved in the death of Princess Diana (God rest her precious soul) is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that being involved in the death of Princess Diana (God rest her precious soul) is mostly caused by Guardian-reading do-gooders, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing Guardian-reading do-gooders to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "A glorious thousand-year reich seems like the only practical choice to stem the tide of economic migrants".