Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of threatening to smash up branches of McDonalds and Starbucks has been perpetrated by hooligans.

The Mail can reveal that hooligans are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jim Davidson said of the hooligans, "Multiculturalism has failed utterly".