Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling heroin to the unions has been perpetrated by hunt sabateours.

The Mail can reveal that hunt sabateours are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Amanda Platell said of the hunt sabateours, "read my lips; no new taxes".