The Daily Mail has learned, by imagining them, of literally BILLIONS of incidents of setting fire to pensioners whilst high on skunk and crack, all of them involving gangs of children, some still in their prams.

In the glorious days of The deputy commisioner of the Metropolitan Police, no hardworking family of Britain would expect to experience setting fire to pensioners whilst high on skunk and crack, but nowadays thanks to gangs of children, some still in their prams setting fire to pensioners whilst high on skunk and crack is an everyday occurence.

Frankly, the only thing that any sane person can say is As I look ahead, I am filled with foreboding. Like the Roman, I seem to see the River Tiber foaming with much blood..