The Daily Mail has learned, by imagining them, of literally BILLIONS of incidents of listening to loud music, all of them involving gangs of children, some still in their prams.

In the glorious days of Paul Dacre, no hardworking family of Britain would expect to experience listening to loud music, but nowadays thanks to gangs of children, some still in their prams listening to loud music is an everyday occurence.

Frankly, the only thing that any sane person can say is If only we had a privitised National Identity scheme this would never have happened.