The Mail has learned that unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace are responsible for injecting crack into primary school children.

Has the world gone mad? Unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace are injecting crack into primary school children with impunity. Hanging is surely too good for these no good scum. Why doesn’t the Government use all the money it has stolen from the hardworking families of Britain in stealth taxes to make amends for the situation. Probably because they are too busy lining their pockets!

The Mail spoke to The Queen, who said "make no mistake if this is allowed to continue Armageddon shall surely be upon us and woe betide all who would seek to impose upon us a surveillance society. For on that day the right shall inherit the Earth!"