Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of assisting asylum seekers has been perpetrated by unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace.

The Mail can reveal that unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

John Major said of the unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace, "we are a grandmother".