Why, Oh Why, Oh Why do we allow Guardian-reading do-gooders such freedom? Not only are they probably communists, but Guardian-reading do-gooders have this week been revealed as causing obesity.

If only the Government and the guacomole-munchers of Islington were a little less concerned with helping Johnny-foreigner and a little more concerned with the rights of the hard working majority of our glorious Nation, then perhaps Guardian-reading do-gooders would not get away with such treachery.

That certainly seems to be the opinion of Winston Churchill, speaking through a medium who this week said, "If only we had a privitised National Identity scheme this would never have happened".

So, next time you are at a dinner party and the menu involves sun dried tomatoes, just consider whether you think that causing obesity is acceptable behaviour.