Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling heroin to the unions has been perpetrated by communist-sympathisers.

The Mail can reveal that communist-sympathisers are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jeremy Clarkson said of the communist-sympathisers, "a glorious thousand-year reich seems like the only practical choice to stem the tide of economic migrants".