Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of plotting the overthrow both of the British state and our way of life has been perpetrated by cyber criminals.

The Mail can reveal that cyber criminals are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Ian Dunkin-Donuts said of the cyber criminals, "we are coming slowly, painfully to an autumn of understanding, I hope it will be followed by a winter of common sense.".