Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of urinating on the Union Jack has been perpetrated by the poor.

The Mail can reveal that the poor are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Paul Dacre said of the the poor, "was it for this politically correct insanity that I fought and died in eight world wars? I think not!".