Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling heroin to the unions has been perpetrated by cyberterrorists.

The Mail can reveal that cyberterrorists are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Ian Dunkin-Donuts said of the cyberterrorists, "surely something can be done?".