Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals has been perpetrated by Twitter users.

The Mail can reveal that Twitter users are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

David Cameron said of the Twitter users, "I like sponge".