Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of looting and pillaging supermarkets has been perpetrated by thugs.

The Mail can reveal that thugs are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The deputy commisioner of the Metropolitan Police said of the thugs, "Hoorah for the blackshirts!".