Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of terrorising the elderly residents of a tranquil Gloucestershire village has been perpetrated by migrants.

The Mail can reveal that migrants are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Boris Johnson said of the migrants, "I blame all of this on stealth taxes and permissive education in the 1960s.".