Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of defacing statues in Trafalgar Square has been perpetrated by cyber criminals.

The Mail can reveal that cyber criminals are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Boris Johnson said of the cyber criminals, "a glorious thousand-year reich seems like the only practical choice to stem the tide of economic migrants".