Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals has been perpetrated by Jeremy Corbyn fans.

The Mail can reveal that Jeremy Corbyn fans are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said of the Jeremy Corbyn fans, "I have always said if you want a speech, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.".