Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of setting fire to pensioners whilst high on skunk and crack has been perpetrated by youths.

The Mail can reveal that youths are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Amanda Platell said of the youths, "a glorious thousand-year reich seems like the only practical choice to stem the tide of economic migrants".