Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of urinating on the Union Jack has been perpetrated by so-called new age travellers.

The Mail can reveal that so-called new age travellers are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Bernard Manning said of the so-called new age travellers, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".