Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of using skateboards and yobbish language to molest journalists has been perpetrated by paedophiles.

The Mail can reveal that paedophiles are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Bernard Jenkin said of the paedophiles, "Hoorah for the blackshirts!".