Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of burning policemen at the stake has been perpetrated by cyber criminals.

The Mail can reveal that cyber criminals are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The deputy commisioner of the Metropolitan Police said of the cyber criminals, "new Age travellers? Not in this age. Not in any age. Let others speak for these New Age travellers. We will speak for their victims.".