Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of injecting crack into primary school children has been perpetrated by bleeding heart liberals.

The Mail can reveal that bleeding heart liberals are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Nick Clegg said of the bleeding heart liberals, "kill the poor".