Now boffins have discovered that yobs wearing hoodies and baseball caps can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since Boris Johnson told me about it, I have been trying to cure using skateboards and yobbish language to molest journalists with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out using skateboards and yobbish language to molest journalists is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that using skateboards and yobbish language to molest journalists is mostly caused by yobs wearing hoodies and baseball caps, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing yobs wearing hoodies and baseball caps to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "As I look ahead, I am filled with foreboding. Like the Roman, I seem to see the River Tiber foaming with much blood.".