Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of being foreign and suspicious looking has been perpetrated by asylum seekers.

The Mail can reveal that asylum seekers are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Nick Clegg said of the asylum seekers, "I have always said if you want a speech, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.".