Now boffins have discovered that hoody-wearing layabouts can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since Paul Dacre told me about it, I have been trying to cure helping so-called migrants with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out helping so-called migrants is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that helping so-called migrants is mostly caused by hoody-wearing layabouts, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing hoody-wearing layabouts to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "I think hanging is too good for them; Its time to consider the reintroduction of crucifiction, especially for criminals.".