Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of immigrating has been perpetrated by miners, bent on revenge.

The Mail can reveal that miners, bent on revenge are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Conservative head office said of the miners, bent on revenge, "I grew up in the 1930s with an unemployed father. He did not riot. He got on his bike and looked for work, and he went on looking until he found it.".