The terror level was raised to beige today after MI5 said that they certainly had vague yet specific intelligence about a probable certain threat that might or might not occur or not occur under certain circumstances on British soil or abroad perhaps unless another thing that might be a threat if it were to happen which it might or might not but it definitely might.

The terror plot probably involved bleeding heart liberals who rumours have emerged have been involved in terrorising innocent investment bankers since 1978.

Anne Widdecombe speaking from a hotel in Barbados said, "was it for this politically correct insanity that I fought and died in eight world wars? I think not!".