Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of fighting the poilce has been perpetrated by Eastern European terror gangs.

The Mail can reveal that Eastern European terror gangs are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Boris Johnson said of the Eastern European terror gangs, "I have always said if you want a speech, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.".