Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of looting and pillaging supermarkets has been perpetrated by the poor.

The Mail can reveal that the poor are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jeremy Clarkson said of the the poor, "A large proportion of Britain’s Asian population fail to pass the cricket test. Which side do they cheer for?".