Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling drugs to schoolchildren for fun has been perpetrated by hoodies.

The Mail can reveal that hoodies are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said of the hoodies, "Ban this sick filth".