Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of holding illegal raves illegally in illegal fields has been perpetrated by coloureds.

The Mail can reveal that coloureds are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Lala from the teletubbies said of the coloureds, "yet again these oafs have destroyed my evening.".