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Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of binge drinking has been perpetrated by Twitter users.

The Mail can reveal that Twitter users are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The Queen said of the Twitter users, "I have always said if you want a speech, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.".

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